Posts Tagged ‘dishonesty’
After more than 6 months of nightmares, I finally had a dream yesterday. It was a sweet dream, one that didn’t force me to wake up, one that would foreshadow a very different future. There were a few men. However, there was one that stood out. He reached out to me. I could see the outline of his body, his blue silhouette, the tenderness of his hand. After flashes of the other men, I saw him again, standing there, reaching out to me. I gave him my hand. The touch felt warm, safe and real.
Contrast this with the nightmare on November 25th. He and I were home, watching television. He was working on his recovery, telling me that he wants to stay sober one day at a time. I was working on myself, healing, building trust again, balancing control and autonomy. At the corner of the television screen appeared rolling texts of e-mails politely asking escorts, hookers, whores, prostitutes and sex workers for detached, anonymous sex. Not only did he thirst for “fun” dates, he was now running an escort et el operation. I abruptly woke up and saw how my life would be if we were still together.
These nightmares are the same as the ones I had before I found out about his double life. There were no reasons for them to provoke me, to wake me up frightened. He was moving in with me in July, showing a deeper level of commitment. However, I would see images of him fucking specific women at the brink of dawn. I could feel his desire. My mind’s eyes zoomed into the expression of her face, her arched back, legs spread. Then, I would wake up. He would ask about my nightmares – and I could not tell him. How could I?
After July, after the discovery of his double life, the realization that he fucked a number of women during our relationship, I had the same nightmares. I saw images of him fucking women. I felt his desire – My mind’s eyes zoomed into the expression of her face, her arched back, legs spread. But her face was blank. Every face was blank from then on. And I continually saw him fucking these faceless women thereon forward. I woke up at 5 a.m. every morning – with panics attacks. He opened his eyes. But he knew.
Written by Hope
December 22, 2012 at 9:36 PM
Tagged with after discovery, Anonymous Encounters, are nightmares normal, call girl, call girls, cheating, conquest sex, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, effect of sex addiction, empathy for partner, female escorts, forced sex, healing, hooker addiction, liar, liars, lies, Lying, more than friends, myredbook, nightmares, pain, pain affliction sex, pain partner faces, partner issues, pornography, prostitute, prostitutes, PTSD, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, sociopath, therapy, trauma, trauma model
My friends say I have been glowing lately, that I have this glow, that I seem happy. I am happy.
I finally won a tournament – 19 out of a total of 20 points. I concentrated without any anxiousness, worry or subconscious fear. It felt good to run a table, to beat another player, to be good again. I was good in high school and college. In fact, I wrote about the sports as part of my college admission essay, as an example of why vision is important as we walk down the path of life. It feels good to find passion for it again, to have clarity.
And I am learning jiu jitsu. The first lesson was hard – another person is on top of me like Dan was during the sexual assault, and I had to learn how to break free (safety, position and finish are the top three priorities). I was still with Dan at that time (in August) but despite the triggers, I was determined that I do not want to be in that position again – with any man – and if I were, I want to use the skills I learn to put myself in a safe position. I no longer carry the emotions with me to class anymore. Instead, I focus on learning the skills, however difficult for me.
I am happy that my new friend (“Vanessa”) whom I go to jiu jitsu with is patient in showing me how to do the moves properly. She reminds me of Dan’s patience in teaching me how to cook. He would go to the grocery store with me to purchase the ingredients, explaining in details the significance of each. Then, he would show me how to cut, mince or mix, supervising someone who has absolutely no knowledge or experience in the art of cooking. I would make lasagna, spring rolls, risotto and chocolate chip cookies! without putting the kitchen on fire. I was very grateful. Like Dan, Vanessa’s patience is slowly allowing me to be more comfortable, especially when the opponent is a big muscular man.
I have been making a lot of new friends while having deeper conversations with the old. I volunteered at a cancer awareness non-profit organization as soon as I came back from New Zealand and had a lot of fun, met a lot of people and made a lot of new friends. I could not be any happier. I am also organizing a fundraiser for an art non-profit organization, which keeps me challenged (since it feels like a start-up non-profit as opposed to the established cancer awareness one). For the long term, I am looking to volunteer at a non-profit related to human trafficking and prostitution as I would like to help women and children break free from slavery and forced prostitution.
And I enjoy the company of men. In October before my New Zealand trip, one of my friends went to New York with me for a break. He flew in from another state as well. He was 30 years old, tall, have a common sense intelligence, handsome with blue eyes, and sweet. And interested. I knew I was not ready for a relationship. Thus, I set expectation accordingly – did not flirt, touch or provide any implications. I love that he did not attempt to manipulate me. I love that he was honest and respectful. I love that he asked about dating and told me his dating history. I love that he has been listening to loveline and understood the connection between dating and family of origin issues. I had a good time.
I made another friend who is well traveled, owns his own company and keeps an active lifestyle. And he is interested. I love listening to his travel stories, his trips to Africa, to New Zealand, the adventures and nuances in people, culture and places. I love his spirit and mindset of abundance and limitless opportunities that came from the worldliness of experience. I love how he is honest, that he is not hiding his love for beer making – or alcohol.
And another man whom is sensitive, communicative and resourceful. And he is interested. I love how he is caring, stays in touch, talks about anything. I love how he devotes himself to one woman when he is with someone without any compartmentalization, even when tempted. I love how he is honest and direct. I love how he loves the simple things, stays humble and is practicable even though he is financially sound.
I am happy that I, as a woman, have the power to select man from an abundance. And the ability to develop the discernment to weed out the bad from the good. My skills are sharper now, with a new set of boundaries, with a keen detection of abuse.
Life is good.
Written by Hope
December 21, 2012 at 3:00 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, cheating, company of men, conquest sex, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, good honest friendships, healing, Lying, mindset of abundance, more than friends, myredbook, pain affliction sex, pornography, prostitute, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, sociopath, therapy, trauma, women are the selectors of men
Last year, a friend introduced me to the concept of a “shit starter.” A “shit starter” is someone who stirs conflicts in a couple’s relationship because of envy, jealously, competitiveness, hatred, lack of boundary or just plain old obliviousness. A shit starter could be, but does not have to be, “the other woman.” It could be a friend, a family member, your child. Do you know a shit starter in your life? To me, Karen is a classic shit starter.
Ironically, however, shit starters do not walk the talk – they flirt with your boyfriend while they prohibit their boyfriends from flirting with you. Two years ago in 2010, at Dan’s birthday dinner, we were talking about playing pool and the different things people do to distract the pool player. I mentioned how Dan would shake his butt to distract me. Immediately, Karen instructed her boyfriend publicly in front of everyone – He was not allow to shake his butt whenever he plays pool with me (and Dan). Karen’s friend responded with the topic of training men. Affirmatively, he was trained well, and he did not shake his butt in front of me when we played pool. What a keeper.
But if I were a shit starter, here’s what I would do: I would wear the sexiest yet modest outfit whenever I’d play pool with him and Dan. I would point out that he is the best pool player I’ve ever met, ask him for a few lessons, wear a tank top and a pair of tight jeans. Wait – I did not even need to do that. I would simply tell him that I would travel with him in the evening to listen to a band until 2 or 3 am in the morning every time he invited me. It would be romantic, and I would earn points because I knew specifically that Karen would not do this with her boyfriend. Karen is lucky that I’m not that kind of person. And Dan is lucky that although he was annoyed by the constant invitations from Karen’s boyfriend, I usually decline his invitation when I found them “not in the best interest of the relationship.” And I usually invite Dan and make it open for others to join. There is nothing to hide.
It has been refreshing to read the “Anatomy of an Emotional Cheater.” I could relate to a lot of it. Even in the above example, Dan refused to believe what Karen said: “She’s not that type of person.” Fortunately, Karen instructed her boyfriend not to shake his butt in front of me publicly. He could verify by simply asking Karen’s friend or boyfriend. I find it fascinating how the image of Karen is held to a pedestal. In his mind’s eyes, Karen is perfect. She is not insecure and therefore it would be impossible for her to provide the instruction to her boyfriend. She does not care about money and therefore, she would be with someone whom has a number of roommates. And they would provide to each other something they both crave: attention and sexual banters. If Karen gives Dan a chance, they would be a perfect couple.
During my sabbatical last December, my cousin and I traveled to Slovenia to visit two of my male friends – Alex and Ben (both pseudonyms). We stayed at Ben’s house, and Ben’s girlfriend took us around when Ben worked. In the evening, we would hang out at bars as a group. Ben would tell jokes, and everyone would laugh. However, it was not jokes told at the expense of his girlfriend. It was not jokes related to another female. It was not jokes with any sexual or romantic implications. In fact, Ben’s girlfriend and I became great friends.
There is a difference between jokes and sexual banters. Tolerating a man who seeks this kind of attention or welcomes such attention from another woman, instead of defining healthy boundaries for the friendship, is torture. It is happier to live without, for life is too short and precious.
Written by Hope
December 12, 2012 at 1:06 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, bitch, bitches, boundaries, boyfriend cannot stand up for girlfriend, boyfriend has no bone, boyfriend's flirtatious friends, cheating, codependency model, discovery, dishonesty, emotional affair, emotional cheater, emotionally cheating, flirting, flirting friends, flirting versus jokes, friendship, healing, his best friend is a flirt, how to handle a flirty friend, inappropriate friendship, jokes versus banters, more than friends, sexual banters, shit starter, stir starter, therapy, trauma, trauma model, why doesn't he like her, witch, witches
I waited for Prada to process my passport after I purchased a bag in their Italian store. It took awfully long but I requested the woman behind the counter to process my transaction as soon as she could. He told me to hurry up. I told him that it’s outside my control. I told him to tell the bus driver to wait 2 minutes. He walked out. He came back in. He yelled at me in front of all the Prada shoppers in the store. He said, The bus left already! He was very angry. Everyone in Prada looked at me. The woman behind the counter looked at me. Finally, the transaction was processed. I told him that we could take the cab to the train station into Florence. He remained angry – for a long time. I attempted to comfort him. He held onto anger. He held onto anger until a couple hours later when we were at the Florence train station last December.
Does his love of humiliation in his world of sex subconsciously affect his desire to humiliate woman, his girlfriend, in public? Dan is a dom. He likes subs whom love “resistance role-play, wrestling and humiliation.” A few months ago, I wouldn’t know these details. Yes, I saw collars and clothes pin and ropes in his drawer. Yes, I asked whether he missed BDSM not knowing what the term meant. I remembered making sure I got the letters right – Small Bed, Backwards. I remembered many small clips of women partially dressed in pieces of black shiny bright leather in his Trash folder on his computer. He said he downloaded them but did not want to pay for the entire version. He said he did not miss BDSM, that he had
regular vanilla sex with his ex-girlfriend. He said he did not use his new sex toys. He told me to empty the trash.
In March of this year, when I asked him (again) why I was expressly excluded from his Squash nights when other girls could go, he finally took me. It was not completely his choice as I protested. I had dated him for more than one year, and I did not know what Squash is. And I played badminton in high school. I knew that I would not see him on Mondays and Tuesdays, that Mondays and Tuesdays were his “Dan Time,” and that he would not call on those days and nights. I knew now that he would fuck prostitutes and women he met on Craigslist on those days, sometimes before Squash, sometimes after Squash. He reserved those days for pornography, playing with his penis and masturbation, shopping online for prostitutes, escorts and anonymous encounters, exhibiting his naked body in front of webcams. And of course, vanilla activities like playing video games. He even volunteered at the Boys & Girls Club of America on Monday nights.
His best male friend, the Want-to-be Alpha Male, had recruited a 25-year-old Chinese woman whom had just landed on American soil to Squash. She was skinny and wore a black line dividing her dark teeth and gums that no amount of money might be able to fix. But I admired what I thought to be the perfectly crafted nose (based solely on my own personal opinion – In my opinion, her nose looks different in old photographs on Facebook), and I am happy for her because I believe she looks dramatically better. Overall, she would be considered an average “FOB” to the American-borned. The Want-to-be Alpha Male claimed that she was his hot girlfriend from China everywhere we went (the “Squash Girl”). And I met her that first day I was invited to Squash. I spoke to her about China and its new money. I asked her about her plans in the States. She told me that Dan is a good guy. She asked me how many times a week I saw him. I thought she carried with her from China a stereotype of rudeness that a nation of Americanized people dislike. And weeks later, one of our friends would bluntly tell her when she did the same to him. Let’s call him Blunt.
After Squash, I joined Dan and the boys and the Squash Girl at Gordon Biersch, their usual spot. The Squash Girl asked all the boys their animal sign. In front of me, Dan asked the Squash Girl whether he and her would be a good couple. The Squash Girl said they belonged to opposite elements (fire and water) so they would fight a lot if they were a couple. The Squash Girl asked Dan whether he would get marry. Dan said No. Dan’s friend looked at me and then attempted to conduct damage control: Of course he will. His fiancé is here. I felt humiliated. And privately, I told him the disrespect was not acceptable. We fought. I left. He did not want me to leave. He said if he told his friends that he wanted to get marry, the Want-to-be Alpha Male would laugh at him, make fun of him. It’s a “bro” thing. I did not believe him.
The public humiliation were to continue into the future. And Gordon Biersch would be the setting. In May of this year, the Squash Girl shook his hands for a few minutes. It was supposed to be an innocent gesture to wish him a happy birthday. It was an uncomfortable long shook, however. When the two pair of hands didn’t let go, his friends attempted to conduct damage control again, by following her and holding his hands, one man after another. I didn’t care about this incident as it was less humiliating than her marriage question and his response. I had seen her placed her hands on the shoulders and arms of another male friend, “Henry,” whom has a girlfriend. Blunt had confronted her on her flirtiness (besides her inappropriate questions that would make most Americans uncomfortable). Dan had told me that the Squash Girl had confided in him that she felt lonely and didn’t know where to have Chinese food when he first met her. I didn’t really care for her or her company mainly because of my first impression and her inappropriate questions but at the same time I felt sorry for her, that she just came here and met a bunch of men almost twice her age whom desire to fuck and use her (including Dan as evidenced by his stare).
When we spoke about Squash, Dan would not mention that he played with the Squash Girl, said that it didn’t count because she’s a girl. That made me mad. Why not? Why wouldn’t playing with a girl count? I did not care that he played squash with her. I cared that he lied to me. I cared that playing with a woman doesn’t count. It’s sexist.
After the discovery, as part of boundary setting, I requested Dan to tell her that he’s a sex addict if he were to play with her so she could make a choice, a choice of playing with him, as he had told me that she’s fuckable and has a nice body. Instead of choosing to tell her the truth, he lied and pretended that he broke his ankle. Everyone believed.
And the public humiliation did not end after discovery. Henry came back from overseas. Dan wanted me to go to Gordon Biersch with him on August 22 to celebrate his return, which was nice. We had just drive back from Los Angeles that weekend. We had also skipped our special one hour talk for the first time since discovery. He withdrew from me emotionally after Karen told him that I spoke to Tiffany about the sex addiction. Looking back, it was an issue of trust. I did not “ask” him first although he had told me that I could speak with anyone I wanted for support – and although I had told him that my therapist said I needed to speak to a friend about the crises. I was already exhausted from the emotional anorexia, the trauma from the discovery of the addiction, the fear that I was with a sociopath.
At Gordon Biersch, Dan told everyone that he would use an eighty dollar credit from the restaurant rewards card and that Henry would not have to pay since the gathering was specifically to honor him. Since the Squash Girl ordered a drink and an appetizer, she also did not have to pay. However, another friend, “Meredith,” whom only ordered a drink had to pay and be accountable for. I thought it was unfair that Meredith had to pay and the Squash Girl was not requested to contribute. Dan showed a short display of anger toward me in front of the group, staring at me with the meanest eyes and mumbling a few unfriendly words. His friends chuckled. I was humiliated. After the incident was over, I continued what I was doing before the incident. As requested by my neighboring friend, I showed him all the applications I have on my iPhone that he might find useful. After the task was accomplished, he left the restaurant. I sat quietly as the Squash Girl asked Henry how often he and his girlfriend had sex. I looked at Dan and asked him if he would like to leave. I was spent.
Dan drove me to my car without a word. That night, he said that because Meredith was not a regular to Squash, it would be unfair for the rest of the group if the credit were to be used to apply for her drinks as well (He created another story for the group and smeared me to manage his image the next day). I didn’t know why he didn’t tell me privately but humiliated me publicly once again. He yelled on the phone after I reached home. I was tired. Tired of everything. My bowl was empty. Put a little sugar in my bowl. Don’t yell at me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t blame me. I just needed a little sugar in my bowl. I was trying very hard to love him. Support him. Make him feel safe. Understand him. Be patient with him. Not leave him. But I broke. The bowl broke. Into a million tiny pieces. And beyond repair. This very night.
Written by Hope
December 3, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Tagged with anger, Anonymous Encounters, bdsm, boundaries, boyfriend does not respect me, boyfriend likes to humiliate me, call girl, call girls, cheating, codependency model, conquest sex, Craigslist ads, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, disrespect in relationship, emotional abuse, escorts, fantasies, female escort, female escorts, flirting, forced sex, friendship, gaming, healing, hooker addiction, how to deal with disrespect, humiliate me in front of friends, humiliation, lack of trust, liar, liars, lies, lies and deceits, Lying, Match.com, more than friends, myredbook, pain affliction sex, playing squash, pornography, prostitute, prostitutes, public humiliation, Rape, rationalization, redbook, ritualization, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, sex toys, sexologist, sociopath, subs and doms, therapy, throw objects, throwing cellphones, trauma, trauma model, uAH, what is disrespect, what is emotional abuse
The polygraph was a piece of shit (literally). Waiting more than one month for the sex addict to take the polygraph test was ridiculous. Going over the result with him was silly, and being told that the sex addict did well by his therapist was unbelievable. I thought his therapist was an idiot for believing him. And Yes!, I do not believe any of it. What I believe is that the polygraph administered by the polygrapher with 30 years of experience is all horseshit. Period. And here’s why:
a) His therapist takes a fucking (intended) long time to provide contact information to the sex addict to schedule a polygraph examination. Dan told his therapist that he wanted to take a polygraph test early in August. He did not provide the contact information to Dan until weeks later, a few days before we broke up. When you are a significant other or partner of the sex addict, time is of the essence. Why? I am sure that a seasoned, compassionate therapist would understand that significant others and partners of sex addicts desire and need to know the truth not only to recover but also to heal and to build trust.
b) The waiting time for a polygraph examination is approximately one month. In the Bay Area apparently, one of the mega centers of the online sex trade, only one contact information was provided to Dan. High demand plus limited supply equals a lengthy waiting period just for the polygraph examination. Keep in mind that in the mean time, significant others and partners of sex addicts are deeply hurting and going through different stages of trauma. Also keep in mind that in the mean time, sex addicts are going through different stages of the addiction and different stages of recovery, if applicable.
c) His therapist does a fucking (intended) bad job of going through the polygraph results with me. Since I was transitioning therapists, Dan invited me to go over the polygraph results with him and his therapist. I thought it would be helpful for Dan to be present since he would know the truth (Now, I don’t think it matters since it was two months post discovery and I believe he was active in his addiction and thus, the likelihood of him being helpful with the truth was barely there).
1) Substance aside, since his therapist was paid for going over the results with me, as a paid professional, I expected him (or request Dan) to let me know the length of the session. I thought the session was for an hour. It turned out to be 30 minutes, and it was annoying that his therapist kept looking at the clock and then cut me off.
2) Assuming that he was paid $75 for the 30 minutes, I expected him to be a facilitator. He literally just gave me the two page document to read without any explanation of the polygraph results, the questions that were answered, the format of the polygraph examination, the format of the polygraph results, etc.
3) When I asked Dan for details of each specific fuck with each specific prostitute, his therapist cut me off and requested me to send Dan the questions.
4) Even after I pointed out to Dan that I found him on a sugar daddy website handing him a paper printout of his profile, his therapist ended with a canned conclusion – He did well, which meant he passed the polygraph examination. Ah ha.
d) The polygraph examination itself is flawed. I have prepared approximately 50 questions for the polygrapher with the understanding that he may not ask all of the questions. My therapist at the time thought that the questions were good and I was thorough – they were intended to cover my concerns of sociopathy, infidelity, sexually transmitted diseases, physical safety and disclosure. And the questions were structured intentionally for yes or no answers, as requested. Thus, I thought the polygraph examination would be administrated like the polygraph examination federal agents, police officers and people with security clearances take, where each individual is strapped onto a chair with each question asked under polygraph. I am familiar with such polygraph examination and understood that even with such test, its reliability is questionable.
However, I later learned from my therapist that the sex addict was interviewed by the polygrapher with 30 years of experience. My therapist seemed to trust in his ability as well. My mind, however, tells me to disagree. Dan is a horribly good liar. He told me himself that he is a sociopath whom started lying when he was a child. The polygrapher is a human being that could be deceived by a sex addict or a horribly good liar. The first part of the polygraph examination was simply an interview by another human being without the machine. In other words, it is based on another human being’s judgment. Reliability is strongly questionable. The latter part of the polygraph examination consisted of 4 questions with the polygraph. I remember that these questions were general in nature. Thus, someone who’s gotten lying down to an art could easily pass.
e) The content in the polygraph examination has the potential of further deceiving the significant other or partner. I have read stories of significant others and partners relying on the polygraph examination for the basis of marriage (they were engaged prior) only to discover after years of marriage that their sex addict spouse lied on the polygraph examination. The fact that there are lies in the polygraph document is obvious to me. I identified a few issues.
First of all, Dan reaffirmed that sex with the July prostitute took 15 minutes. Why does it matter anyways? He fucked her. He said he paid $300 for the hour plus instead of $600 for two. Note that he also paid for the room at the hotel, which most likely had a fair market value of $150-$200 per night. He had just moved in with me and I had helped him clean his old apartment so he must have intended to spend the windfall deposit on the hooker.
Dan reaffirmed that he fucked 3-4 prostitutes/women in the 1.5 years we were together (of the four, 3 in 2012). I do not believe this at all. I believe this number is minimized, understated and mathematically impossible. He had more than 4 reviews on MyRedBook.com. Even if I take into consideration that some reviews are fake, the number could not be 4 at most. Plus, this number does not account for the anonymous encounters and/or prostitutes on Craigslist, Backpage, sugar daddy and other websites and fling clubs.
Dan said that he did not use me for sex, power and money, which was contrary to what he told me prior. He told me prior that he had used me for sex, power and money, which made more sense to me. He’s a sex addict and naturally he uses women for sex. He’s a student of seduction and thus, he would naturally seduce me in order to have sex with me. Sex addicts feel in control when they have sex and thus, power is usually involved. The sex addict needs money to buy sex with prostitutes and escorts and massage parlors and thus, he is naturally frugal with me. It is in his best interest that I spend money on dates and on him while he spends money on prostitution and pseudo-prostitution (sugar babes).
In the polygraph document, Dan also said that he did not intend to rape me, that we participated in role play. As you could see, the lying got ridiculous. I was not aware that the sexual assault was a role play. I had no warning. I wasn’t having fun! Dan role-played with his prostitute where he told each one of them what he would do ahead of time (he would pretend to rape her, she would resist, then they would fuck). There was consideration (money exchanged). There was an agreement. However, I was sexually assaulted.
Finally, this question was not on my list but I thought it was twisted. The polygrapher asked Dan whether he wanted to get back together with me after we broke up (I don’t know where this question came from), and Dan responded with a No. I thought it was narcissistic. Really? Let’s get the facts straight. He fucked a number of prostitutes behind my back. He lied to me. He committed infidelity. He placed my health at risk. He humiliated me in front of friends. He has not given a sincere apology. He was not remorseful. And he gets to make a decision that involves two people. Narcissism at its best.
f) The sex addict will not allow my therapist to see the polygraph results and go over the results with me. If Dan has a good conscious about the polygraph examination and answers all the questions to the best of his knowledge, why have cold feet? Because it was useless (pun intended).
Written by Hope
November 28, 2012 at 3:05 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, backpage, bay area prostitutes, bdsm, blow jobs, borderline personality disorder, boundaries, call girl, call girls, cheating, codependency model, conquest sex, could liars pass the polygraph, Craigslist ads, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, emotional abuse, escort from MyRedBook.com, escorts, fantasies, female escort, female escorts, flirting, forced sex, friendship, healing, hooker addiction, is polygraph reliable, liar, liars, lies, Lying, manipulation, Match.com, more than friends, myredbook, Myredbook.com, narcissist, pain affliction sex, polygraph questions, polygraph test, polygraph test for sex addict, pornography, prostitute, prostitutes, Rape, rape fantasies, rationalization, RBGFE, redbook, result, ritualization, role plays, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, sex addiction polygraph, sex addiction therapist suck, Sex Addicts, sex fantasies, sexologist, sexual assault, sociopath, sugar daddy, therapist suck, therapy, trauma, trauma model
On July 28, 2012 around 7 p.m., I sat next to him, my head on his shoulder. The TV was on. In the morning, we drove to Starbucks for our one hour conversation time. Speaking to each other was difficult as usual, as it was part of our assignment from his therapist. It was then that he told me that he is into rape and forced sex. “Why don’t you see if your therapist could help you,” I responded. He gave me an URL where I could watch a rape video so I can understand him.
At around 7 p.m. that night, we watched TV as a couple. I told him that I love him, I wanted him, without any implication of sex. We sat side by side, my head on his shoulder, my hands gently placed on his knees. His therapist had just instructed us to be sex-free for a month. But what his therapist said did not matter – to him.
He pinned me down flat on the sofa with his 170 pound weight. I resisted with every muscle I have, every 100 pound of me, with both arms in front of my chest, pushing him away, consistently yelling “stop,” feeling frightened. After what felt like thirty minutes, I hollered “STOP” with everything I have. He finally stopped, got out of the sofa, turned toward me, and yelled “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!” as if I were the one on top of him. He cursed at me for what felt like thirty minutes and then left. I was so horrified that I called a friend and my therapist.
I called him, telling him to come back because he had just moved in and would not have a place to stay. I was already emotionally drained from the recent discovery of the cheating, lying and sex addiction and did not want further drama. I was also physically spent – my arms became weak from the resistance. My body was drained of all energy.
He apologized to me the next day, on Sunday, and said he was just being carried away. However, I woke up on Monday morning with what seemed like a heart attack. My heartbeats sounded like a drum – they were loud, fast, painful. It was the birth of my first panic attack. I was not only emotionally afraid of him but my fear had also escalated physically.
The panic attacks continue thereafter.
Written by Hope
November 20, 2012 at 5:19 PM
Tagged with assault by boyfriend, boyfriend pinned me down, boyfriend sexually assaulted me, boyfriend violence, cheating, date rape, dishonesty, panic attacks after sexual assault, Rape, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, sex assault, sexual assault, sexual assault after discovery, sexual violence, trauma
After a few months, I finally told one of my friends about the reason for the break up. Her response was: “I was uncomfortable when he spoke about casual sex being okay but you were so happy with him. How does it feel to be cheated?” I was speechless. “It hurts – It hurts a lot.” The pain is more than “It hurts a lot.” The conversation took five minutes. No judgment. No more questions. And she would never understand how I feel. But it was understood.
Today, I am broken because the man I love and fell in love with not only hurt me with infidelity and risky, progressive sexual activities, he lies to me and continues to break most of his promises necessary for me to heal. I understand his need for paid sex to self-medicate, to feel dominant and in control. I understand that he had loved me in concept. Yet, his selfish practices of self-love and girlfriend-hurt suck. The pain feels like millions of rose thorns stabbing your heart all at once. It feels like a sudden hit by a giant truck, with pieces of heavy metal crushing your body. It feels like the seemingly calm waves pulling you in, then swallowing you up in a swift. I am convinced that he is a sadist, that he takes pleasure in my suffering and tortures me with whatever he could control, but I am broken. I fight harder armed with the Knowledge of the sex addiction, the Strength of all of my might, the Will of not enabling his behavior but I am powerless. I am weak. The pain is worse than death, and the trauma lingers.
The greatest challenge is not recovery from the trauma (reliving the event, intrusive images, panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety et el) but recovery from the vicarious impact of the devastation – being able to trust someone, feel safe in a relationship, give your heart again (even after forgiveness). And I will never ever have back lost time and with it, youth. They are gone forever and evermore.
May God be with me.
Written by Hope
November 14, 2012 at 11:03 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, bdsm, boundaries, broken, call girl, call girls, caught boyfriend cheating, cheaters, cheating, codependency model, conquest sex, Craigslist ads, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, fantasies, female escort, female escorts, flirting, forced sex, healing, hooker addiction, how being cheated on feels, how cheating hurts your girlfriend, how it hurts, how much it hurts, liar, liars, Lying, Match.com, more than friends, my boyfriend is a cheater, myredbook, pain affliction sex, rationalization, redbook, ritualization, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, sexologist, shattered, sociopath, trauma, trauma model
When I met Dan, he told me that he wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage and children. The paradox is that although a sex addict wants a long term relationship with his or her partner, he or she also wants to act out (have sex) with other people. For the latter, he or she could be all things to all men. If you are in a failed, unhappy marriage, he or she could help you experience once “again the uneasiness of attraction.” See Ritualization E-mail response to Craigslist Ad, August 2009 below.
“Something about your post really struck me. As a concept, marriage sounds enticing, beautiful…. being connected to another human for life. As a practice, however, it appears to fail the majority of the time. Is that the fault of the institution or the participants? Who knows… but my feeling is that some things disappear when one has the comfort of marriage… like passion, intimacy, butterflies. Sometimes, the wonderful and stimulating parts of a relationship wane. No more seduction, no more surprises….
I have a flexible schedule and love day time trysts and adventures. How about you? Interested in the anticipation of meeting someone new? Perhaps we’ll find ourselves a cozy quiet cafe… where we can learn about each other as we enjoy all over again the uneasiness of attraction.
So, if you’d like to meet someone who is interested in the art of the seduction, write me back. Perhaps you’ll catch me tracing your neckline with my gaze. I may peek at your breasts. We can play footsies under the table, and talk to one another with our lips just an inch apart. We’ll build tension. We’ll enjoy the sharing of lives. How does that sound to you?”
Written by Hope
November 12, 2012 at 4:24 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, cheater, cheating, cheating emails, cheats, conquest sex, Craigslist, Craigslist ads, dating frauds, dating scam, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, flirting, forced sex, Lying, myredbook, predator, prostitute, rationalization, ritualization, serial cheater, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, trauma, what players think about marriage
Dan loves Myredbook.com. It’s his place of safety. By paying a few hundred dollars for an hour or two and by browsing reviews of the “providers” (escorts et el) online at the convenience of his home, a hotel or office, he’ll know he’ll at least get a good RBGFE, which stands for Redbook Girlfriend Experience. This experience includes the following sex services:
- RBGFE = myRedBook’s definintion of GFE (BBBJ, CFS, DFK, DATY, and MSOG)
- BBBJ = bare back blow job = BJ without condom, beebeebeejay
- CFS = covered full service = Sex with condom
- DFK = deep french kissing, open mouth with tongue
- DATY = dining at the y = cunnilingus
- MSOG = multiple shots on goal = multiple releases
- RBGFE+ = RBGFE + bonus, could be greek, cim, swallow
- For a list of acronyms, see http://forum.myredbook.com/dcforum2/DCForumID15/2.html.
According to Dan, Myredbook.com is safer than Craigslist or Backpage because of its back end review capabilities/functionalities. There are two logins for Myredbook.com – one for the forum, and the other one for the provider review, which is divided by standard and VIP membership.
VIP membership is inexpensive. The recurring transaction fee is the initial payment of $25.90 for the first 60 days ($12.95 per month), then $12.95 per 30 days thereafter. The one time payment fee is $14.95 for 30 days, $37.95 for 90 days, $99.95 for 270 days and $134.94 for 365 days. Because VIP membership is relatively inexpensive, a John (called a “hobbyist” on Myredbook.com) could create various VIP accounts and thus assume various hobbyist identities.
It was not surprising to see a list of charges for CCBILL on Dan’s credit card statements when he showed them to me post discovery. Without payment, a hobbyist could still obtain VIP status for a limited amount of time by submitting a review of a provider. According to the website, the statement comes from CCBILL*ACS. One can pay with credit card (except American Express), checking accounts (online electronic transfer), cash, money order and other anonymous forms of payment methods.
A standard (public) review contains the provider contact information, the review date, the provider handle, rating for the provider’s looks and services, comments from the hobbyist and the hobbyist’s handle:
|2012-10-01||Escort/Prostitute’s Handle||8||10||This girls loves to please men and I never had bj like this before, she loves to suck and swallow||Hobbyist’s Handle|
However, VIP status provides the hobbyist with better, more detailed information including the provider (including the description of her breasts and vaginas); specific sex services provided; and personal opinions from other hobbyists (user feedback). See Review Form of a MyRedBook.com (Sex) Provider below.
There is no question that the providers are sex workers, the hobbyists are Johns or that money is exchanged for sex. In fact, for approximately $15 for a month’s VIP membership, one could find out explicitly how good or bad the sex worker is. And if you are the betrayed partner, what your significant other did in details (if you know his hobbyist handles).
Is prostitution legal in California? And why does the State allow it to flourish? Dan had told me that the police does not care about MyRedbook.com because escorts are not flashing their vaginas in front of the Golden Gate Bridge nor in front of a Silicon Valley high technology logo. It’s a victimless crime. I hate the word “victimless” because it implies that citizens are not hurt. It implies that we, the significant other, are invisible. I am a citizen. I pay taxes. I was hurt. I am a victim. Go get ‘em, the beautiful State of California. Will you please stand up?
Review Form of a MyRedBook.com (Sex) Provider
|Area||San Francisco East Bay South Bay North Bay Sacramento (916) Central Valley (209,559) Monterey Bay (831) Other California United States Canada Non USA/Canada Category: Escort Massage Strip Club BDSM TS/TV|
|Her Phone||(You must provide contact information – either phone or email)|
|Ethnicity:||choose … African American Asian Caucasian Latina Mixed|
|Age:||choose … 18-20 21-24 25-29 30-37 38-49 50+||Eye Color:||choose … Brown Blue Green Hazel Gray|
|Hair Color:||choose … Blonde Light Brown Dark Brown Auburn / Red Black Gray / White||Hair Length:||choose … Military Short Shoulder Midback Way Long|
|Height:||choose … < 4’10 4’10 – 5’1 5’2 – 5’4 5’5 – 5’7 5’8 – 5’10 5’11+||Build:||choose … Tiny Slim / Slender Athletic Average Curvy BBW Enormous|
|Tattoos:||choose … None One Two Three Many|
|Breast Size:||choose … 32 34 36 38 40 42+||Breast Cup:||choose … Training A B C D DD+|
|Breast Implants:||choose … No Yes||Breast Appearance:||choose … Flat Puffy / Pointy Perky Average / Decent Droopy Flappy Rock Hard Freaky|
|Kitty:||choose … Bald Partially Shaved Trimmed Natural|
|TransSexual:||choose … Female Male TS Pre-Op TS Post-Op|
|Hygiene:||choose … Squeaky Average Smelly||Smokes:||choose … No Yes|
|Photos:||choose … Accurate Old Fake Better in person Worse in person|
|Punctuality:||choose … On time Late No Show||Clock Watching:||choose … Went over Took her time A little rushed Very rushed|
|BDSM / Fetish|
|Ad Copy: (key phrases from ad)|
|Your Comment about her Looks:|
|One line summary:|
|Session Comment: A few paragraphs about what happened: She… We… I… Would you repeat? recommend? review sample|
|Private message to RB staff (optional):|
|Did you actually see her: Yes No – She did not show up No – This is a Fake Review No – Other Reason|
|Looks-Face||choose … 10 could be a super model 9.5 9 could be a model 8.5 8 attractive 7.5 7 girl next door 6 decent 5 average 4 passable 3 2 unattractive 1 downright ugly 0 did not see|
|Looks-Body||choose … 10 perfect 9.5 9 amazing 8.5 8 enjoyable 7.5 7 great for her age 6 decent 5 average 4 doable 3 2 I touched that? 1 not of this planet 0 did not see|
|Attitude||choose … 10 treated me like a king 9.5 9 very enthusiastic and friendly 8.5 8 very positive 7.5 7 good company 6 some good moments 5 average 4 did not click 3 2 hates her job 1 hates everyone 0 ROB (Personality)|
|Service||choose … 10 I was dreaming 9.5 9 I thought I was dreaming 8.5 8 a fabulous time 7.5 7 a good time 6 i’ve had better 5 average 4 i’ve had worse 3 2 i’d rather forget 1 a nightmare 0 ROB (Talent, Skill)|
Written by Hope
October 2, 2012 at 4:52 PM
Tagged with Addicted to myredbook.com, Addicted to prostitutes, Anonymous Encounters, California needs to get rid of myredbook, call girl, call girls, catch your man cheating, CCBILL ACS, cheating, cheating clues, cheating in California, cheating with hookers, cheating with prostitutes, child molestation, conquest sex, different e-mail accounts, discovery, dishonesty, Do not find escorts on myredbook, Don't find escorts on my redbook, escort, escorts, escorts are hookers, escorts are prostitutes, escorts on myredbook.com, fantasies, Girlfriend Experience, Hobbyist, hooker addiction, human trafficking, is your spouse on myredbook, Lying, money, myredbook, Myredbook.com, myredbook.com is hooker site, online sex trade, petition myredbook.com, please enforce prostitution laws, porn addiction, prostitution, prostitution in California, Prostitution is not victimless crime, Rape, RBGFE, Redbook Girlfriend Experience, redbook promotes child prostitution, serial cheaters, sex addict, sex addiction, Sex Addicts, signs of cheating
“I am a sociopath,” Dan told me on July 12th, 2012, the Thursday night when I learned about his date with the Prostitute. “What is a sociopath?” I asked. He proceeded explaining to me that when he was a child, he lied and stole from his parents. The next day, I studied psychopathy and I was afraid.
In our therapy session with his therapist during the early weeks of discovery, I attempted to receive confirmation from his therapist. I was more afraid of the underlying personality disorder than the fact that he slept with X number of women (prostitutes, female escorts and the like). Without studying it or studying him, he immediately implied that Dan was not but did not provide a straight answer. I was confused. Dan expressly confessed to me that he possessed many of the characteristics of a sociopath. What is his therapist’s basis that Dan is not a sociopath?
For two months, I lived in fear – and I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel safe emotionally. I didn’t feel safe physically. I didn’t feel safe at home. I thought Dan could kill me at any minute. I wanted a firm answer – and at each therapy session, I asked my therapist for a confirmation. First, she looked at a book and named a few characteristics. Then, she told me that the long intensive sex addiction test contains a section on psychopathy and we would wait for the results from the test. Thereafter, without letting me know the results from the psychopathy section of the test, she requested me to ask Dan’s therapist. However, his therapist refused to provide me with a response to my question. Finally, on Labor’s day weekend, my therapist gave me an answer: “I don’t think so but I don’t know him personally.” Again, she did not provide me with any basis. I was advised once more to be cautious.
I was cautious. As I was living with Dan, I feared that he would kill me. When he sexually assaulted me, the fear deepened, and my body responded to terror with panic attacks. I immediately called my therapist for a second appointment (as I did not have anybody to speak with). Besides the fear that he would bring prostitutes home, I did not feel safe living with him until confirmation from his or my therapist that he is not a sociopath. To be cautious, I had to let Dan in the home and Dan had to move out, which was disheartening since he just moved in two weeks prior to the initial discovery. To be cautious, I couldn’t tell Dan that I had confided in Tiffany for fear that he may hurt her, at least until I receive confirmation from the therapists. To be cautious is to live in constant fear.
I have reasons to be afraid. First, he told me himself that he is a sociopath, and I have assumed that he has studied extensively the psychopathy checklist. Second, I completed the checklist and agreed with Dan that he has many characteristics of a sociopath. Third, when he sexually assaulted me and then turned around immediately to blame me, I knew consciously the game he was playing (he apologized the next day). Furthermore, I was terrified by the things he did with and the things he did to an acting out partner whom he called the “Crazy Girl” (from here forward, “Jane Doe”). I was shaking horrendously as I read their notes, not to mention his high interest in rape and forced sex. Moreover, I did not sense any true remorse from Dan – for hurting me. He simply looked up “how to apologize after cheating,” followed the “how to” instructions and said sorry with his iPad besides him. He told me that he wanted to salvage the relationship. Yet, he refused to be giving and chose to withdraw emotionally during our weekly “sacred one hour talks.” We never did have a sacred talk session the weekend prior to our separation, even though I had insisted. In addition, after I helped him find an apartment to move out, he was more excited about his new “luxury” apartment than working on the broken relationship. Finally, after we separated, the only concern Dan had was exposure. After I’ve read “Sociopaths Next Door,” Dan sent me an e-mail telling me not to tell his friends. In other words, he requested me to conceal, which is a textbook element of sociopaths. And the therapists – they never gave me a confirmation. I needed at least an educated guess (with some basis) from the therapists to feel safe.
Sex addicts have many characteristics of a sociopath. See http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2012/08/why-sex-addicts-seem-sociopathic/. However, a sex addict could change, while a sociopath does not have the ability to truly connect with others and a sociopath does not and cannot change. I assume that the therapists could guide me, as this was and is one of my biggest concerns. Is he a sociopathic monster? Or is he just a sex addict? Perhaps, only time will tell.
The Psychopathy Checklist
Dr. Hare is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and has researched psychopathy for more than twenty years. The following is his well-known and implemented psychopathy checklist. This test is to be administered by a professional in order to be effective and to avoid misuse. For more information, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist.
For each characteristic that is listed, the subject is given a score: 0 for “no,” 1 for “somewhat,” and 2 for “definitely does apply.” A score of 30-40 indicates psychopathy.
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM — the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING — can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT — a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT — emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY — a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE — an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR — a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS — a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY — the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY — repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS — a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS — a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY — behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE — a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY — a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
Written by Hope
September 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM
Tagged with Anonymous Encounters, cheating, conquest sex, discovery, dishonesty, Dr. Hare factors, fantasies, female escorts, forced sex, living in fear, Lying, myredbook, pain affliction sex, pornography, prostitute, psychopathy checklist, Rape, rationalization, serial cheaters, sex addiction, sociopath, sociopath or sex addict, therapy, trauma, trauma model